Kathy Joyce 

Kathy’s Advice for a Beautiful Life

If you use a thesaurus to write, you should be shot. If you can’t think of a word, you should make one up. This is how James Joyce got famous. That and writing about pee and poop. This is true, and it’s a fact.

It’s also important not to read too much of other people’s writing because then you will accidentally copy them and when you read your writing and you realize you are a copy-cat, you will hate yourself and want to shoot yourself.

If you need to take medicine that tastes bad, you should pretend you have a son. You should pretend you have a son who is in the war and that he is going to die in the war if you don’t take the medicine. It works every time.

If you have a dream that you should do something, it means you should do it.

If you are having a bad day and you would like to have a good day, you should wear pink underwear. If you aren’t worried about how your day is going, it’s okay to wear the purple ones. If you are feeling sick, do not wear the purple ones.

If you need to get out of a situation, simply claim that you are extremely horny. This is how I escaped Woodhull Medical Center.

If you are horny, do not masturbate under the full moon. If you are horny, do not watch porno. If you are horny, think about something that makes you smile.

If you need to masturbate, it’s okay. If someone spies on you, it’s not your fault. It’s their fault. It’s normal to masturbate. It’s abnormal to spy.

If you are a detective, please get to work! Please report all of the pertinent information you have found to your boss! You should even report all of the information that doesn’t seem pertinent, just in case! Just in case it could solve the case!

This reminds me of a classic riddle I made. It’s called The Detective in the Courtroom. The riddle goes a little something like this:

So, I’m the detective. And detectives aren’t usually allowed in the courtroom. But the judge allowed it. How can this be?

If you’d like to make a guess, or if you give up and would like an answer to the riddle, please message me on kathypill.substack.com. I’m actually not sure if Substack has a messaging function. I am just too scared to write down my email.

If you are scared, talk to God. If God is too intimidating, talk to Jesus. If Jesus is too hard to reach, talk to AI Mario from Mario 64 on character.ai. Don’t worry, he’s familiar with the Mario games that happened after Mario 64, most importantly Super Mario Sunshine.

If you need to take an airplane, you should let your friends know. This way, they can pray for your safety on the airplane.

If you need to drive a car, please be careful. If you need to take the subway, please be extra-careful.

If you want to kill yourself, simply purchase an advent calendar for each month of the year. This way, you have something to live for. Get one that has chocolates inside of it. The only problem with this method is that advent calendars only have chocolates for 24 days out of the month. For the rest of the days of the month, I recommend spending time with your friends and not allowing yourself to be alone at any given moment. If you are alone, you might kill yourself. However, it’s considered very rude to commit suicide in front of other people, so if you are around other people, you must value politeness over suicidality, and you will live.

If you are in a haunted house, you should exit the house as soon as possible. If you cannot exit the house, simply tell the ghosts that you do not care. Tell them that if they do something interesting, you will simply record their behavior on your iPhone and go viral and make a great fortune off of the viral video and off of all the interviews that people on television will conduct with you. The ghosts will not do anything interesting. They will just try to scare you. And you cannot go viral from being scared. If you could go viral from being scared, I would be the most famous woman on the planet. I am actually extremely famous in heaven, which matters more than being famous on the planet.

If you are very worried, you should set aside some time each day to worry. I typically set aside at least 8 hours a day to do this. If you worry about everything correctly, you won’t have to worry later on.

If you go online, you should not look at the news. If you turn on the television, you should not look at the news. If you want to have an idea, you should base it off of experiences you have experienced.

If you are concerned about all of your organs and orifices, you should imagine that your body is made out of clay. This is called “clay thoughts.”

If you are a coward, this means you have the potential to be the bravest person in the world. Only cowards can be brave.